This is probably one of the toughest things I’ve ever written because it requires me to further face the truth about what really happens when you become chronically ill, disabled or given a terminal diagnosis.
It is new territory for everyone. Sometimes people don’t know how to act, what to do or what to say. You are scared. They are also scared. Or they are cowardly-as-shit.
I’ve learned this the really hard way too, sometimes. It can be really confusing, as there have been moments where people can surprise you… and not in a good way.
We all have the intelligence to recognise that life can get busy, paths take different courses, feelings shift and evolve, and priorities can change. But the foundation of a solid, reliable, trustworthy relationship can or should survive the trials and tribulations of life.
Particularly if it’s been a long-term relationship — whether it has slowly dissipated and diluted or been a sudden shift — it feels like a heart-shattering betrayal. Like a break-up, without any conversation or notice.
Then there are the lukewarm, mediocre folks, upon which you realise they were never really good people to have around anyway; hence, they are, well… erm… lukewarm.
“Age and illness then become a filter and provide you with superhuman clarity powers, revealing all blind spots!”
That said, while it can feel empowering, sometimes it doesn’t make it any easier to navigate if you’re already feeling vulnerable and lonely, relying on people for physical help and mental health support.
Have you been guilty of being the abandoner before?
I think we all have, at some point. It can be lack of awareness, time or, sadly, a conscious, judgemental decision. People will meet you where they are at.
Before I was diagnosed with COPD, my levels of awareness and actions were alarmingly low and/or unkind. And I was kind of a selfish prick! I remember being in college after school, and we had a lovely disabled lady in class who did get some support from the teachers and a couple of classmates. It wasn’t enough, though.
Even for me, I didn’t really pay any heed — or I remember I couldn’t really make eye contact — but it was more because I didn’t know what to say or how to act. Not because she should feel ashamed.
There is nothing more humbling than being knocked over and being in a few tornadoes in life…
Illness or disability is inevitable for everyone at some point in life. And when it happens, it’s a big fucking wake-up call. It’s almost like, until it happens to you, the number of shits you give is zero.
What I want out of it, though, is a level of preparedness. And to move out of the state of privilege. Because for the LOVE OF GOD, there’s way too much privilege in this world already.
Also, when it comes to dating, admittedly, I do not know — I don’t think any of us do. It is exceptionally tough to navigate the feelings of even entertaining a relationship when you have a severe disability (if it’s challenging for “normies” and all the self-esteem issues that float around, 100x that for disabled folks!).
I haven’t even tried for the last three years since my ex and I split up in 2023, but I’ve needed the time to recover and focus on myself.
Especially as there is the Burden Complex — as in, you don’t want to bring a partner and their life down, nor limit their potential in life.
I do see hope, though, with many interabled relationships on social media and through the stories they share. Ah, the power of storytelling!
I also got a big fat sign when I connected with a fellow on-the-lung-transplant-list patient: she suffers from Cystic Fibrosis and has the exact same symptoms as me, the same equipment, and is on oxygen, etc.
She met her wife through Hinge when she was already on her oxygen and in a wheelchair. They’ve been together seven years, and she’s 10 years younger than me! It shows me — and signals to me — that love knows no bounds.
I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed the time on my own too, as it’s truly given me a chance to focus on myself, engage in life-affirming hobbies and move out of the state of being in a relationship just for the sake of it and for fear of being alone. I truly have learned to love myself more in a way that shifts all the shame and self-esteem issues around my disability, turning it on its head.
The time has given me the confidence to advocate for myself and learn the art of true presence, magnificence and wonder in life around me. I am able to nurture all other relationships so much better too! That said, I am open to a romantic relationship if it presents itself. After all, we are interdependent human beings, and, well, I do love/miss cuddles!
So, when and if people, friends or relationships abandon or harm you, remember this:
- The actions they’ve taken are on them; it will be something they have to live with for the rest of their lives.
- When true colours are shown, it is in your best interests for them to be out of your life.
- When old doors close, new ones open.
- Hand-on-heart, I randomly bumped into two old friends from school. Separately. I hadn’t seen them in 20 years. The first one was in the park, and our dogs talked first; she suffers from a rare form of breast cancer — and so we obviously hit it off again. The second was a girl who had reached out to me on Instagram as she had recently moved back to Aberdeen from London and saw my stories on Chronic Illness x Loneliness. We discovered how much we had in common and met up for a coffee and cinema date! It was incredible. And these synchronistic meetings happened after a couple of friends hurt me and disappeared off the scene.
- The right people will find ways around you and with you.
- With good people, limitations are invisible in their eyes; they will always see opportunities, potential and beauty in many ways.
- It could be the catalyst to trying something new (e.g., I am being more brave and going to suitable local events, or even messaging people on social media if I like their work or profile — you never know what connections will happen!).
So, to life, its weird and wonderful ways. Trust that journey, even if it has given you every reason not to. Build bridges anyway. If it gets knocked down. You built it. And you tried. There’s peace in that.
