Everyone knows recovery and healing isn’t a linear journey.
For years, I would tread the line between doing quite well and then being knocked down faster than you can blink. And once down, it would be like that for weeks or months.
Sometimes medication would work quite well; other times, it was frustratingly stubborn. That was my body, not the medication. That was the nature of a chronic illness, though. At times it cooperates, but very often, it is more disobedient.
With it comes the onslaught of painful symptoms, mental anguish, depression, sadness, anger and loneliness. It wasn’t just all of these things — you felt like you were missing out on life. A good quality of life, at that. Hell. Even the basic things. Survival was really fucking hard at times.
It is navigating the mental state between hope and simply giving up. I wouldn’t have the energy for fighting anymore. For being strong, brave, hopeful and determined. That certainly was the feeling in 2024 when I went through a great reckoning and progressed to using supplementary oxygen and a NIV machine.
Then there are the medical appointments and requirements just to stay functioning. I had too many to count in 2024. While I felt grateful to have access to medical care and a wonderful healthcare team on my side, I couldn’t help but feel bitter that this was where my life was and how I had “ended up.“
Thankfully, this didn’t last forever — the non-stop appointments, hospitalisations and mental turmoil.
What remains is my chronic illness, because — Duh — it’s a chronic illness.
The Messy Middle
For the first few years, I’d relentlessly search for “healing” and even a cure! I know, don’t judge. There were so many alternative routes I’d try on top of traditional Western healthcare and medication.
My lineage being half Asian meant that I naturally wanted to heal in the best way possible, but my naivety didn’t allow me to reconcile that it really was something I couldn’t cure. I also didn’t respect both cultures and medical approaches at the time.
I didn’t want to be a pill-popping, heavily medicated, disabled, chronically ill person, I’d say to myself! Surely herbs, yoga, good food, exercise, mindset and miracles would sort it all out…
Those things are all true — but so is listening to your doctor!
The Circular Path
It is also realising that there really is a law of impermanence and circular phases. In life, there will be good times and bad times. Seasons for every event, every phase, every cycle, every motion — just like the weather.
Good things don’t last, but bad things don’t last either. And there’s comfort in that. It also makes the wonderful things more precious. It’s something I always have to remember when I think back to my most severe state in 2024 — eight months of non-stop hospitalisations, acute infections, pain and more.
After contracting Covid in August 2024, not only did it affect my respiratory system, but my left leg and foot were paralysed for a few weeks. That scared the bejesus out of me. However, after lots of help, physio and care, I managed to rehabilitate and regain movement. I recovered as best I could.
Where I Am Now
Now, as I write this, I’m in a very wonderful place in my life — stable for 14 months. I’ve not been in hospital since February 2025, and my symptoms are under control. I still get flare-ups, take a lot of medication and struggle a lot in the mornings, but overall I am feeling so much better.
I’m finally more accepting of my condition and using my experience to advocate for myself and others.
The reason I know I’m in a better place is because, with this knowledge and experience, I know it could change in the next breath. But I’m much more equipped to deal with it all and have the tools to handle the fallout of a bad experience.
Following the little glimmers of light and making ordinary moments extraordinary propels life into something amazing. In the chapters following 2024, there are many new hobbies, activities and joys that have suited both my personality and my condition.
With my limited physical capabilities, I really thought I’d be lonely, useless and worthless. But life has proven to be the complete opposite — and actually, my disability has shown me exactly that.
So far, I’ve been able to: immerse myself in art again; physically and mentally strengthen up; meet lots of new people through pulmonary rehab and palliative care; learn the ukulele; become an advocate; speak in public; share my story; write more; and be of service to those in need.
“Sometimes that’s how survival begins. Seeing ourselves in the reflection of someone else’s words.”
All this to say — you don’t need to do anything to be worthy. After all, you are busy surviving. That is enough. But it does help to engage in community, art and laughter. And you don’t need to be good at any of it. It’s just there to help you enjoy life again.
And so the spindly, windy path becomes a circular motion instead of a big fat mess. Things will keep moving. Recovery might be 5 steps forward, 2 steps back, 1 step forward, 6 back, 8 forward… you get the drift.
The point is to remember that it’s going to keep circling.
Lungevity 