Lungevity

“Ageing out of fucks” – what a phrase, right?

I LOVE it! 

“You’re in a meeting. Someone says something objectively wrong. And instead of doing your usual dance—the soft correction, the diplomatic phrasing, the careful preservation of everyone’s feelings—you just… say it.

“That’s not accurate.”

No cushioning. No apology. No emotional labour to make your truth more palatable.

And everyone looks at you like you’ve grown a second head.

Welcome to what I call the Great Unfuckening—that point in midlife when your capacity to pretend, perform, and please others starts shorting out like an electrical system that’s finally had enough.

You might think you’re becoming difficult. Impatient. One of those “bitter older women” you were warned about. But here’s what’s actually happening: your brain is restructuring itself. And thank god for that.”

The therapist who wrote this, Ellen Sher, is a genius. Not only because it applies to all women in mid-life but also to anyone, really, who suffers from low self-esteem and has been people-pleasing all their lives.  

Particularly potent for those with disabilities too, as you have to unlearn everything you knew about your old life and adapt to a new one. A different you. Your body looks and feels different. It functions differently. Capabilities are limited. Aids used for survival are visible (or not, but you feel like they’re a big fat sign on your head). 

The shame you carry can be amplified even more. But this doesn’t have to be the story or way you carry yourself forward. 

I remember the feeling as my life did 50,000 backflips and shattered every part of my body in the space of a few months in 2024. 

My soul also felt like it was murdered. 

I was surrounded by the best in healthcare and the privilege of much love around me but still couldn’t see the point in life. Not when it felt unequivocally over.  

What would be the point when I’d be tethered to oxygen 24/7? Wheelchair-bound at times, I could barely breathe and had to sleep at night with a NIV mask to help me get rid of carbon dioxide. What the fuckity fuck?! 

Not to mention the low quality of life. At the time, I could barely do the basic things. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe well. Social life would be ruined, dating and falling in love out the window, hobbies I used to enjoy – now game over, can never travel again. That’s everything I told myself for months. 

On top of it all, even if I were able to start doing things… Everyone is going to stare at me?! Everyone is going to always feel sorry for me. I will be the “Oh poor her” girl. I will be the  unlucky disabled girl. 

No sane person surely would tolerate this?!! 

Well, let me tell you. How wrong I was. 

It’s always in the story 

If you’ve ever been to therapy… actually, sack it; it’s all over social media… from all your healers, somatic teachers, and psychologists, plus the little 4 x 5 quotes you see on Instagram – the narrative you carry in your head directly impacts your outputs in life. 

And I go back to the advice my sister would always give me – piling mental anguish on top of physical pain only deepens exhaustion. So why do that to yourself? 

You’re already fighting the battle of your life with your condition or illness. So make your head a beautiful place to live in. 

Besides, what will it achieve if you are constantly bashing and beating yourself up with violent and belittling thoughts? Absolutely nothing.  

Eventually, in using this approach and time itself, I was able to adjust. It’s incredible how much human beings can adjust to, no matter what they’re presented with. 

When you’re stripped of all your labels, old identities, and old ways of being, there’s nothing left but you. Your spirit. Your consciousness. Almost like a blank canvas. You can start again. 

The opportunity 

And that’s where the opportunity lies. Where you can really say… Fuck it all. Like Ellen Sher said, The Great Unfuckening. 

I got to a point where I no longer gave two hoots about anyone else’s opinion of me. And if they did judge or say anything negative to me or about me, that’s on them. 

I knew my only job was to get myself better in any way I can and to make myself feel good. That was delivered in a multitude of ways and on a daily basis. 

Whether it was though small daily joys, hobbies, listening to music, pampering myself, achieving personal feats (whether tiny or large activities, like participating in pulmonary rehab classes), creative endeavours, enclothed cognition, mindfulness, meditation, playing ukulele, painting, etc. 

You’ve got to take the pain out of your body and channel it into something else. Art. Dancing. Baking. Writing. Punching a pillow. Something that isn’t living in your head or body. 

All of these were integral to building up my sense of self, confidence and heightened self-esteem. 

The So What? Method

The So What? approach also works. Even if someone did think something about you that was bad, So What? What is the impact? 

You have to get to a point of not caring about someone else’ opinion of you, even though you know your situation, appearance or condition may be far out of the “norm”. 

Compassion and kindness to yourself are required every single day.  I really don’t mean this in a surface-level “Be kind to yourself, reward yourself with chocolate” way. Mentally, you need to nourish your spirit with gentle words every time you hear the manipulative voice inside your head. It’s years of trauma. Inner child healing. So, like a parent, you need to be one to yourself. 

How would you treat a child with a disability? Exactly.  

It is the backbone of how you will not just survive, but really start to enjoy life again. You are no longer performing or people-pleasing. 

In doing this, my soul has been resurrected. And I feel so alive with it. I feel much more freedom in it all. My mind isn’t taken up with being meek, shy or insecure anymore. 

Vivifying yourself is the point. I reconditioned myself with music, affirmations, meditations, friendships, good books and anything that was chicken soup for the soul. 

Feeling safe

It can feel like it’s almost impossible to feel safe in your own body when it’s constantly betraying you. The pain. The intensity. The endless hell. It feels so out of control at times. 

But we try anyway. If there’s a way you can calm the nervous system down, there’s a chance you can reduce the inflammation. Even if it’s by an itty bitty. Step by step. Day by day. 1% every day adds up to a lot over time. 

I’d listen to songs like I’m Not What Happened to Me, I Am or Darling. Or happy upbeat music, just to move me into a new state! You can follow my playlist, Lungevity here. I also listen to affirmations and sound healing frequencies sometimes. 

I turn to yoga, albeit in a different way. It’s not like how I used to be able to be, but over the years, it has taught me so much. It is a proven way to reduce stress and inflammation, thereby improving your strength and immunity, both physically and emotionally. 

Genuine self-love is a combination of all of these things. And it’s a place where you can love yourself whether you can or can’t do it too. That’s what builds up self-esteem. 

The most important thing is being able to listen to your own voice. Even for any of the advice I give above, if that doesn’t apply to you or land well, that’s you prioritising yourself. And that’s the main aim. 

So go on, vivify yourself!